Ten Prior Moments that led Jenna to this Point:

1. Hitting Hector Martinez in the face during 8th grade gym class, which led to Mr. Clannaugh sending me home , which led to me catching my father making his girlfriend silver dollar pancakes while my mother was at work.

2. Pulling the screws out of my father’s desk chair so he fell and broke his tailbone, couldn’t work and went on disability so I had to go to state school instead of Vanderbilt.

3. Lied to the dean of students about what happened at the frat house during the Halloween 2003 party so Janice was kicked out of school instead of me and promptly went and got pregnant.

4. Was so upset about Janice being gone that I drank too much and was too hung over to finish my final term paper for Busines Platforms so instead of a double major in Business and Psych, I only have Psych.

5. Couldn’t get a job doing anything business-related and had to take an unpaid internship at the medical association website company where I met Dan.

6. Dan’s boss (who really liked me) saw us eating dinner together and started to bully Dan at work to the point where he seemed really emasculated to me so I broke up with him and quit the internship and had to take it off my resume.

7. The security guard referred me to Julia at the catering company who needed me for the Christmas party at the university house, where I spilled red wine on the president’s oriental carpet.

8. The $2,000 in carpet cleaning wiped out my bank account, got me fired, I defaulted on my student loans and met Chris over the phone while I was trying for a hardship deferment.

9. We moved into his house in Edgewater and I met Tanya taking out the trash and she told me that she was going to fire her assistant because she smelled and I convinced her to hire me instead.

10. After 5 months I found out through accessing Tanya’s email that she has been siphoning money from the company for three years and falsifying the financial statements and now the company was going to go bankrupt.  She also has one less foster child then she received payment for.

Should I tell anyone?  Does it matter?

Posted in A Dying Dream, Careers, Character, Family, Internet, Love, Mental Illness, Monologue, Relationships, Workplace | Leave a comment

The O. Henry Affair

BraceletMan, I really love that O. Henry story.  You know, the famous one.  Where the couple loves each other so much that they get rid of their most prized possessions for one another at Christmas?  I just think that’s SO the way me and Joey are.  We would do ANYTHING for each other, ya know?  We would so be the kind of couple where I would end up cutting off my ARM or something to buy him a pair of shoes, and meanwhile he went and donated his toes to science or something to get me that Tiffany’s bracelet I love so much.  Get it?  So then we have no arm to put the bracelet on and no foot to put the shoes on!!  Total lovefest!  Sometimes I wish we could do more dramatic stuff like that to show our love for each other – writing on facebook walls and stuff is nice, but cutting off your toes for someone?  Now that’s forever.

Posted in Character, Language, Love, Monologue | 1 Comment

Ben’s Night Out

ChickenI sincerely forgot how much I despise going to dinner with Roger when he has his reviewer’s cap on.  One second we’re having a perfectly intelligent discussion about the dearth of ethical responsibility in the GOP, and the next thing I know he’s whispering into his sleeve, “Capers taste like they’ve been in embalming liquid for 30 years.”  We can transition from a brief interlude like that fairly easily, but an especially egregious entrée can distract him for 4 or 5 straight minutes as he runs through a thesaurus in his mind, trying to find exactly the right word to insult the chef, staff and ingredients at the poor place.  “Chicken is nefarious…no, flagrantly offensive…no, I said that about the mashed potatoes…chicken is ARRANT, yes, yes, it’s arrant, that’s good…need to think of an alliteration…” Meanwhile I smile passively at the poor server who has been assigned to hover in the corner, waiting for the slightest sign of need from either of us, and she rushes over to fill my water glass one inch.   Roger ignores her completely, already having spoken about the unacceptable looseness of her bun and dirty fingernails.  If the meal weren’t free, I would have left after the soup.

Posted in Careers, Character, Cleanliness, Food, Friendship, Internet, Workplace | Leave a comment

Barry’s Yogic Tension

PlankThis is just embarrassing, he moaned in his mind as the class shifted into Warrior 3.  Over the shaking of his right thigh he could see Sam, calm and collected, smoothly inching down into the pose for a deeper burn.  He’s putting me through torture, literal torture for this promotion.  Sam had everyone else at the company convinced that he was an earth-loving, mild-mannered champion of a boss, but Barry knew better.  His mother had been a vegan yogi, and the harshest, most manipulative person he knew.  The anniversary of her death was his happiest day each year.  So when Sam asked him to come to a 90-minute cardio yoga class in between sessions at the sales conference, he knew what to expect.  Enforced shame and physical degradation, he concluded as they held a plank (“just for fun!”) for 5 minutes.  Yoga was the perfect way to force underlings to demonstrate their considerable weaknesses.  As he collapsed onto his knees after 3 minutes and saw Sam’s condescending smirk, he knew that his Christmas bonus would not be coming this year.

Posted in A Dying Dream, Athletics, Careers, Character, Competition, Mental Illness, Monologue, Relationships, Workplace | Leave a comment

Colin’s Stockholm Syndrome

Best Boss MugTia was always threatening to come into his house and drown him in his bathtub, so Colin wasn’t particularly worried this last threat.  Granted, this time she had done it in front of other staff members and a few clients, but her voice had been fairly affectionate and mellow at the time.  He still didn’t think that HR needed to be involved.  Everyone at the company knew Tia was a difficult genius.  She needed to be coddled and understood, not reprimanded for her unique motivational techniques.  Colin himself had increased his sales 400% since coming under Tia’s jurisdiction, and he didn’t doubt for a second that it was because of her threats of extreme violence when he didn’t meet her sales goals.  And since he had no desire to drown in tepid water, get his head stuffed in an oven, or fall down twenty flights of stairs, he did his very best every second of the work day (and beyond!).  And really, wasn’t that the mark of an excellent boss, inspiring that sort of work ethic in her underlings?  Colin thought she should have her own line of books and maybe a motivational speaking series.  He would bring it up during the next office-wide meeting.

Posted in Careers, Character | Leave a comment

Eric’s Favorite Blouse

Empire Waist TopThere is just something about an empire waist shirt, man.  And yeah, I know it’s gay that I know the name of a certain kind of ladies’ shirt, but I had to look that shit up online, I like it so much.  Just the way it puffs right out like that under the chest – just make everyone wearing it look so soft and comfortable, like just a female pillow you could lay your head on and relax forever.  I see in my roommate’s lady magazines (yeah, I read them in the bathroom, so what?) they’re supposed to be going out of style because they make everyone look knocked up.  I hope to hell they don’t.  Maybe I could start a collection once they start showing up at thrift stores and then could give all the second-hand empire waist shirts to a new chick I might be seeing.  Although I know from reading Cosmo that that shit would probably be a warning sign and all her friends would tell her to dump me.  There has to be some way to make sure these shirts stay in my life until I have a female to put them on.

Posted in Appearence, Character, Hobbies, Internet, Love, Monologue, Relationships | 2 Comments

Fran’s Free Write

This is a free write.  This is a free write.  This is a free write…JFC my therapist said it would get easier if I just kept my pen to the paper and didn’t judge what I wrote but this is some serious bullshit so far.  Fuck I went back and read the beginning again something I wasn’t supposed to do.  Looks like I’m just as bad at this freewriting stuff as I am at work as I am at relationships as I am at my intermural kickball league.  Is there ever going to be anything I’m good at?  I guess my therapist might say that I’m good at therapy since I always do the exercises and take the drugs and cry all through my sessions and then wipe my tears away and say I feel better when really I just want to leave because all the crying has made me feel like I have to pee.

Paragraph break is supposed to be good to separate your thoughts and teach you to leave behind negative thoughts and looking back at that first paragraph, again a no-no, I have primarily negative thoughts.  Jay would be so disgusted with me if he ever caught a glimpse at this notebook even though I plan to hide it thoroughly between my cook books and avant-garde play scripts and he never looks there because let’s face it, he doesn’t care about any of my interests.  Sometimes I think maybe I should break up with him OK that’s cheating you’re not allowed to cross out but some thoughts should always be below the surface and never come pen to paper because they bring up really bad feelings of abandonment and make me want to crawl into a ball and die.  You think whoever started freewriting would know that but whatever they’re rich from inventing it anyway so they don’t care.  That’s three pages thank god I’m done for the day.

Posted in Character, Language, Love, Mental Illness, Relationships | Leave a comment