Jim’s Problem With His Sister

Early birdI’m told this is a big thing, now.  Waking up early.  I think it’s to smell the sun coming out or something?  Which, by the way, replace the word “sun” with “child” and you have a jail sentence on your hands.  But of course, early risers would never be child molesters.  They seem to have an excellent PR director who has convinced American that early risers = Type A achievers, and late risers = disgusting fat slobs who steal company time and never achieve anything with their lives.

My sister is an early riser.  She voluntarily goes to bed at 9pm every night and gets up at 5am.  I’m fairly certain she hasn’t had sex with her husband in 7 years because of this unless she and Donald are some kind of freaky somnambulists.  So at 5am she starts sending me emails about everything she’s going to accomplish that day, all the running and cooking and blogging and laundry.  She’s a mommy blogger, and a pretty successful one at that.  And everyday when I get up at 11am I respond: “what in this list could not be achieved from 11am to 2am?  Why does your day have to start at 5am when you have a nanny and a rich husband?  I thought the reason to have those things was so you could sleep in and then focus on not eating all day?”  And she waits an hour to let me know that she’s having lunch before I have breakfast, then she writes back, “the early bird gets the worm.  You wouldn’t understand.”

That is a terrible cliché.  The worst.  Worms do not lay prone on the ground waiting for the first bird to show up to eat them.  They come out after it rains because they’re drowning in their holes.  So really, the cliché should be, “the wettest bird gets the worm…” which also could be a good bird porn slogan.  If you’re into that kind of thing, check out rule #34 of the internet.

This entry was posted in Character, Family, Internet, Monologue, Relationships, Sibling Rivalry. Bookmark the permalink.

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