Sir, when I woke up this morning I swear to God I had gone blind in my sleep. Couldn’t see a damn thing – my first thought was, well, this is it. This is a huge brain tumor pressing on my optic nerve and I will never see again. I was starting to plan out when I was going to get my chemo when I noticed a little red light blinking and realized that my alarm had just gone out and my black out curtains were working so well that I just thought I had gone blind. Isn’t that funny? Anyway, I flung them open and realized from the position of the sun that it was like 9:18 already and I was late for work. Yes, I can tell time down to the minute from the sun. I’m 1/36 Native-American, you know, so I’m quite rare and valued in the American workplace.
Once I realized I was running late I went right into the bathroom to take a dry shower – baby powder to get the grease out of my hair, deodorant, quick leg spray tan – and wouldn’t you know, there was a dead lizard in my sink. A LIZARD! It must have come on up out of the pipes and just expired right there in my sink somehow. I don’t mind telling you that I was very, very disturbed – being Native-American I’m very in tune with nature, and dead animals have a frightful impact on me. I felt a headache coming on so severe that I wondered if I maybe had that brain-optic-nerve tumor after all. So I felt it most prudent to go back to sleep for another few hours and then just work from home until 5pm. Given the circumstances, I don’t think I should have to have a vacation day deducted from my total.