Sally’s Sob Story

LizardSir, when I woke up this morning I swear to God I had gone blind in my sleep.  Couldn’t see a damn thing – my first thought was, well, this is it.  This is a huge brain tumor pressing on my optic nerve and I will never see again.  I was starting to plan out when I was going to get my chemo when I noticed a little red light blinking and realized that my alarm had just gone out and my black out curtains were working so well that I just thought I had gone blind.  Isn’t that funny?  Anyway, I flung them open and realized from the position of the sun that it was like 9:18 already and I was late for work.  Yes, I can tell time down to the minute from the sun.  I’m 1/36 Native-American, you know, so I’m quite rare and valued in the American workplace.

Once I realized I was running late I went right into the bathroom to take a dry shower – baby powder to get the grease out of my hair, deodorant, quick leg spray tan – and wouldn’t you know, there was a dead lizard in my sink.  A LIZARD!  It must have come on up out of the pipes and just expired right there in my sink somehow.  I don’t mind telling you that I was very, very disturbed – being Native-American I’m very in tune with nature, and dead animals have a frightful impact on me.  I felt a headache coming on so severe that I wondered if I maybe had that brain-optic-nerve tumor after all.  So I felt it most prudent to go back to sleep for another few hours and then just work from home until 5pm.  Given the circumstances, I don’t think I should have to have a vacation day deducted from my total.

This entry was posted in Animals, Careers, Character, Monologue, Workplace. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Sally’s Sob Story

  1. Pulitzer prize stuff in attendance.

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