I understand that it’s terribly unprofessional. My superiors have talked to me about it, OK? It comes up in all my performance reviews, the only less than perfect score I ever get. But I honestly cannot stop drinking these two-liter Mountain Dews. If it were Diet Coke, that would be classy. Diet Coke says, “I work super hard but also care about my figure, so much so that I don’t mind that in ten years there will be a study that shows that Diet Cokes give you cancer.” Even Diet Dr. Pepper carries a certain cache, more of a rebel sweet tooth vibe. But a two-liter of Mountain Dew just says that I have no regard for my body or my image, and thus can’t be dedicated to doing my best job at the office. Of course, I also know that it drives Edith insane to see me consume 1800 calories of soda a day and remain thinner than she’s ever been, even when she went to India for her honeymoon and contracted a tapeworm. So there’s that whole competitive female aspect of it. I have made a slight concession since I started lobbying for a raise and now drink my soda out of a treinte coffee cup from Starbucks rather than the plastic bottle – but as the day goes on, the fluorescent yelling of my lips and tongue start to give me away.
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- The Huntington Ladies’ Book Club – February Meeting
- Pickle the Cheetah
- Karen the Personal Trainer
- Morton the Worm at the Usury Office
- My 5 Favorite Musicals and Why, By Carla Cioca:
- Mumu the Irrelevant Mime
- Tiny Tim – Post Revisted
- Ten Prior Moments that led Jenna to this Point:
- The O. Henry Affair
- Ben’s Night Out