Nectar of the Gods

Mountain DewI understand that it’s terribly unprofessional. My superiors have talked to me about it, OK? It comes up in all my performance reviews, the only less than perfect score I ever get. But I honestly cannot stop drinking these two-liter Mountain Dews. If it were Diet Coke, that would be classy. Diet Coke says, “I work super hard but also care about my figure, so much so that I don’t mind that in ten years there will be a study that shows that Diet Cokes give you cancer.” Even Diet Dr. Pepper carries a certain cache, more of a rebel sweet tooth vibe. But a two-liter of Mountain Dew just says that I have no regard for my body or my image, and thus can’t be dedicated to doing my best job at the office. Of course, I also know that it drives Edith insane to see me consume 1800 calories of soda a day and remain thinner than she’s ever been, even when she went to India for her honeymoon and contracted a tapeworm. So there’s that whole competitive female aspect of it. I have made a slight concession since I started lobbying for a raise and now drink my soda out of a treinte coffee cup from Starbucks rather than the plastic bottle – but as the day goes on, the fluorescent yelling of my lips and tongue start to give me away.

This entry was posted in Careers, Character, Cleanliness, Food, Hobbies, Monologue. Bookmark the permalink.

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