Aw shit, I got that itchy feeling in my fingers today. Woke up with it. Came out of a dream about my old neighbor in Houston to find myself rubbing the tips of my fingers together, evvvvvver so slightly. Better take a double dose of the medication before I head over to the station. Last time this happened I tried to fight it by drinking myself half to death but ended up going through with it anyway. Almost got caught, too – when they guys got to the site they were yelling about some footprints in the mud, but the fire grew faster than they thought and wiped them all out. Lucky break on that one – almost like someone wants me to keep going with this, see how far I can get before something goes real wrong. The therapist helps a little, but the fact that I have to use a fake name takes some of the heat (no pun intended) off me to tell the whole truth about all the little details. So she asks if I always feel like lighting fires and I say “nah, only 30% of the time”, which is about 68% off from the real answer. She wants to know if I’m ever able to stop myself and I nod “oh yes,” like it’s no big thang, I got the impulse control of an anorexic at a China Buffet. Truth is, I think I’ve just gotten better at seeing the signs sooner and drugging myself up with the pills before I can get together the supplies and plan where the next fire’s going to be. The whole time I’m at the station I’m envisioning maps in my head: abandoned areas, dumpsters, tracks, work sites – the guys make fun of me for daydreaming, but it’s the nights I’m dreaming about. The nights when I light up the sky with those beautiful red and yellow flames, just me and them and the itchy feeling in my fingers, slowly fading away to nothing.
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