The Huntington Ladies’ Book Club – February Meeting

Broken HeartNow ladies, as you know I am generally opposed to using the word abortion.  It’s divisive and graphic, and it just invites unwelcome inquiries into the political views of our little book club.  But I must say, it’s really the only word to describe this month’s selection – an absolute abortion.

Gemma, sit down.  Do not leave this room.  I know you picked the book and you thought we would like it, but we all know that you’ve been under a great deal of stress at work lately, and we probably shouldn’t have allowed you to make such an important decision while trying to complete the Baines merger and potty train an anal retentive toddler at the same time.  So, really, it’s not your fault.

We are all smart ladies.  And this book is derisive of intelligent women and all they stand for.  It basically boils the romance formula down to its most reductive elements and expects us to tolerate it because of our affection for the genre.  It’s no surprise it’s written by a 23-year old man – my stepson is 23 and he doesn’t know a single thing about love and passion, except where his X-Box is involved. What, because we don’t have DAY JOBS we’re expected to eat up this romantic slop with no complaints?  This type of authorial aggression cannot stand.

So here is the plan – the standard letter writing campaign to the publisher begins tomorrow and lasts 5 weeks, then we move onto stealing copies from Walmarts and burning them on our grills.  This time, I think we should up the ante and make it personal.  Let’s figure out if we know anyone in common with this “Jeremy Standskill,” if that’s even his real name, and start to infiltrate his social network.  We cannot allow Mr. Standskill to ever again defame the romance genre like this.  I think my mother-in-law’s podiatrist may know his mother’s gardener.  We’ll start there.

Do we even have to vote on this?

Posted in Careers, Character, Entertainment, Friendship, Hobbies, Love, Monologue | Leave a comment

Pickle the Cheetah

Sad CheetahPala is such a bitch, Pickle thought to herself as she poked her claw through the eye of the mouse she had been toying with.  She has no right to delegate her duties to me.  She’s barely even pregnant.  The pregnant cheetahs always got the best treatment – food brought right to their mouths, the sunniest rocks for their naps.  Even a favored front seat at their weekly tribe meetings.  Pickle always had to sit in the back with the rest of the cub-less ladies.  She could barely hear the agenda items, and always had to roar “LOUDER PLEASE,” which she knew embarrassed her brother, Malachi, half to death.  But how was she ever going to get pregnant if she couldn’t even make herself seen?

She dragged her paw listlessly through the sand.  The mouse was dead.  The fun was over.

Posted in Animals, Careers, Character, Competition, Love, Relationships | Leave a comment

Karen the Personal Trainer

jumping lungesThere are two things I hate.  One, people who makes New Year’s resolutions, and two, people who break their little halfhearted pleas before the end of the first month.  What, did you just come up with the goal without any idea of the action steps required to achieve it?  Do you think that’s how people win gold medals, set world records, or even dominate the community bowling team?  Now, that fact that you all enrolled in my “New Year, New You” boot camp shows that you’re probably here on the strength of resolution.  A wish.  A wish you made while sitting in your pajamas eating cookies, a thought that although you had been sitting in your pajamas eating cookies for almost every night that week, you weren’t really that kind of person.  You’re no cookie monster.  You’re fit – an athlete.

And you know what?  You’re wrong.

You’re a sugar-eating, fantasy-land-living, muscle-tone-lacking cookie monster.  And I want you to know that before we do even one exercise here today.  I haven’t had a cookie in 14 years.  Just so you can visualize the gulf between you and me.

OK, get up.  Let’s start with some jumping lunges.  No puking allowed.


Posted in A Dying Dream, Appearence, Athletics, Careers, Character, Competition, Exercise, Food, Hobbies, Monologue | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Morton the Worm at the Usury Office

angry wormJust take another inch.  That’s all I owe this time, I swear – I paid off last’s month horses and card debts over the weekend.  Yeah, at the Edgewater branch – look it up if you don’t believe me, you rotten bastard!

Two inches?  There’s no way I got two inches to spare.  I barely regenerated an inch since I had to come in here last time.  Two inches will kill me, I sweartagod!  I know it’s that’s not your fault, honey, but come on, show a little compassion for your fellow worm.  You know I always come outta these hard times into a flush streak.  You know it!

No, no, no, don’t call Rocco in.  Josie, don’t you dare, you fat fuck!  Oh jeez…oh hey, Rocco, how’s it going?  I can’t hear you over the gleam of those scissors you got there – just put em down and let’s talk like old pals, huh?  I just can’t do two inches, man.  It will be the end of me.  Whaddaya even do with all these inches I give you?  Feed them to your kids?  That’s reeeaalll nice, using me for your kids’ dinners.  Get a little decency, huh?  No, no, put it down, get your goddamn hands OFFA ME OWWWWWWWWW.

No, I doubt it hurts you more than it hurts me, ya jerk.

Posted in A Dying Dream, Animals, Character, Mental Illness, Monologue, Workplace | Leave a comment

My 5 Favorite Musicals and Why, By Carla Cioca:

Musices Notes5. Wicked, because there are flying monkeys played by humans, some dancing, lots of singing and some fake-midgets (I’m not allowed to say that word).  I laughed at them and screamed at the dragon.  I had lots of feelings during the show which my Mom said is the point of theater!

4. Les Miserables, because there is a character my age who gets to have solos, yell at the older actors and also gets to have a very dramatic death on stage.  There is another girl character my age but she seems like a whiner and the boy is a doer, just like my Mom says I am.

3. Phantom of the Opera, because I think the Phantom really loved Christine and she should have been happy that someone loved her that much and not tried to go off with Raoul.  I always think he escaped at the end and he and Christine moved to another country together without Raoul or any of them.  That’s more romantic because it’s not what you would think would be the ending!

2. Lion King because there are really good costumes, makeups, stilts, sound effects, it’s kind of what I think it would be like to go to Disneyworld except my Dad said that Disneyworld is a rip-off and we’re never going.  But if we do someday, like if he hits his head and forgets he said that, I hope it’s like Lion King.

1. CATS (!!) because there are so, so, so many cats onstage.  So many people dressed like cats, singing like cats, dancing like cats.  I wish my mom would let me get a cat like Griselda (because she seems like she needs a lot of love and cuddles), or at least some kind of Jellicle cat, but she said not until I’m 8! Cats is just by far the best musical that there ever was.  Cats are really smart and so good at rhyming that it’s silly no one had let them sing their songs before now!


Posted in Character, Entertainment, Family, Hobbies, Language, Memories | Leave a comment

Mumu the Irrelevant Mime

Old ElephantMumu watched sadly as the tourists crossed the street to avoid having to walk in front of him.  What a sad state of affairs the world was in when people didn’t want to have to engage with the neighborhood mime anymore.  20, 10, even 5 years ago he could hardly eat lunch with all the people around him, clamoring for more of his scenarios.  He had to ice his back at night from the 10-12 hours of performing he did each day.  He lived in a 2-bedroom apartment paid for solely with tips and the occasional circus gig.  Life was worth living, if not worth speaking about.

Now, he bunked with his younger sister whenever she didn’t have a live-in boyfriend and hadn’t booked a circus job in 17 months.  No one wanted to see the aging elephants step on boxes with their arthritic feet, and no one wanted to see the aging mime with a herniated disc beside them.  The whimsy had worn away and now instead of creating illusion himself, Mumu just reminded people of their own loss with his peeling face paint and balding head.

But where do mimes and elephants go to retire?

Posted in A Dying Dream, Animals, Careers, Character, Entertainment, Memories, Workplace | Leave a comment

Tiny Tim – Post Revisted

NORTH POLAR DISORDER posterThis summer I wrote a character sketch about Tiny Tim, and what might happen if he decided to get a medical procedure to become a little bit taller (channeling one of my favorite scenes in Gattaca):

That sketch has now worked its way into a Christmas show I co-wrote and produced at Donny’s Skybox at Second City – NORTH POLAR DISORDER.  The show runs Saturdays at midnight through 12/17 – come and check out Tiny Tim in action!

Posted in Careers, Character, Entertainment, Mental Illness, Monologue | Leave a comment